Sometimes life is not the kindest with us. Sometimes you have to decide what matters the most.
When you have a dream, have a passion, a goal, or anythig that makes you happy and keep going to conquer them, nothing else really matters. You put the effort and the hard work in it, but there are different influences which you cannot control. In my case, it was my own body…
Bikini competition prep – The beginnings
I started my first bikini competition prep for April on the 18th of November. I hired a coach, who won a couple of competitions already. She gave me a training and a nutrition plan. The training was pretty intense, because before I trained 4-5x a week, and this plan was a 10 day split with 6 days in a row of weight training plus cardio, 1 day of cardio day, 2 days of weight training with cardio and the 10th day was a cardio day again. Basicly no rest days and tons of cardio. My body wasn’t ready for this, but I thought I have to toughen up, as this is what I wanted. To be an athlete, and if this is the price that I should pay for, then I will.
The nutrition was pretty basic and simple. One day has been given and the only difference was on cardio days, when I didn’t drink any post workout protein and carbs, and the other difference was when I’ve had my high carb days, I just added 50 grams of rice to one of my meals. That’s it. For 5 months. There you go. I thought, okay this is fine, it’s only about mindset. A lot of people was asking how can I manage to live on this diet? This is insane… But for me the training was the hardest part, I did’t care much about the food.
Everything went really well from November until end of December. I’ve built some muscle, and definition here and there, I’ve lost a little fat here and there, happy days. But then fasted morning cardio came… Oh my… At the first week it was all right, I did’t feel any difference, but then all of a sudden I’ve felt it. My body was aching, and all I wanted to do is sleep. Although next to a full time job, it is pretty difficult to implement. So what happened is, my carbs went lower, my cardio sessions after weight training went higher, and on the second week of doing fasted cardio, I was kneckered. Some days I was barely awake at work, and on the weekend when I was cooking for the next week, I’ve had to stop in the middle of my meal prep just to go to sleep, then woke up and went to the gym again. The following week I started to feel sad and drained, sometimes angry.
So my whole January went like this: haven’t been on the fresh air, every part of my body was aching and even bending down or walking up on the stairs were struggle, I was angry, sad and couldn’t concentrate. I’ve felt like a zombie.
I really wanted to carry on, but my body just couldn’t cooperate. The final straw was when I was travelling to London on a Friday morning. I was looking forward to it, because you know, finally something new, and I like to travel anyway. But even on my way there all I could’ve done was sleeping. Then I get to my destination and I decided to buy a coffee.This is how the ordering went: ‘Uhmm, hello, can uhmm I get uhmm an espresso…? Please?’. After this I’ve got lost, then I couldn’t find the way out from the tube, and I’ve had to run like 10 metres to cach my train on the way back, and because of this I was just panting like after running the marathon, then on the train I started to eat and I was shaking like a drug addict when they finally get the stuff… Needless to say, I didn’t go to the gym that day. That was the last bit for me. People are suffering with illnesses, which they didn’t choose, and their life is a struggle and here I am, a healthy person and battling through every day life, because I want to look in a certain way that will only last for like 5 minutes, when I step on the stage.
My physical and mental health started to suffer, and this simply doesn’t worth it for me. This sport supposed to be challenging but still enjoyable, and I haven’t enjoyed this journey, and the way my body has developed, not even a bit. I wanted to take one step into the fitness industry, and this path seemed reasonable and achievable… Well, there are other ways rather than push my boundaries to an extreme level, and to destroy my health and life. My passion is how to achieve a balanced, healthy body, life and mind, and this prep was everything but healthy and balanced.
The feels of quitting – Now what?
At first I was upset, but reliefed at the same time. There were a lot of questions about what’s next? What should I do now? How should I train and what can I eat now?
There was this routine for 3 months then suddenly nothing. I finally had the opportunity to eat whatever my heart desired, but I didn’t want to. It was so difficult to do anything else. I was scared to eat or skip my morning cardio, but at the same time I wanted to skip it and wanted to eat pizza or crisps. Confused. Empty. Lost. Tired.
Post ‘quit’ update
Today is the fifth day since I decided not to continue my prep. Since then I still feel tired, and confused. I don’t know what’s next.
Yesterday I finally ate a slice of bread. Terrible mistake… My guts wanted to crawl out from my belly, at least it felt like, and then I started to feel dizzy, had a head ache, dry mouth, shaking. Today is slightly better, but still dizzy, and my stomach is upset, couldn’t eat much and didn’t train at all. This happened because my body got used to that one type of diet for so long, and now is relly sensitive, and bread with yeast is not the best idea to start with.
I have to get my sht together, so the first thing is to clean my cupboards, throw away all the old and unnecessary stuff and then have a pampering evening with hot bubble bath, candles and camomile tea.
Everything happens for a reason, and failure is not necessary a bad thing. We can learn from it. We can learn how to stand up and move on, just because this journey wasn’t meant for us, doesn’t mean there won’t be another one. Life goes on, and it is full with beautiful things which we have to be grateful for.
End of a chapter. Shake off the past. Enjoy today, and look forward to the future.